Birthday Cards

From this point forward, I’m going to carefully scrutinize the messages I write in cards.

Last night, while helping my foster daughter organize her things, I picked up a birthday card that I recognized. It took me a second to remember that I had given it to her on her tenth birthday. I was surprised that she still had it and was caught up in remembering that day. I have a clear memory of driving to her house to pick her up, and of getting our nails done that day. The rest of the memories are a little foggy.

Fast forward to last night and the fact that we’ve been living in the same house for almost a year, and that I gave her that card 18 months ago. I opened it, curious about what I had written to her back then. Back before she was “my girl”,  back before my entire world began to revolve around her.

I read the words I had hastily scrawled on that fall day in 2016. Then I blinked, and read them again.

I hope that your tenth year is a good year, and I hope that I get to spend A LOT of time with you!

I had even circled the words ‘A Lot’. I’m not sure what I had in mind when I wrote that. I know what I didn’t have in mind.

I didn’t have:

·         “why don’t you move in with me halfway through your tenth year of life, and I’ll be the foster mom you never asked for”

Or:

·         “I hope that in the next year, everything familiar is gone in 24 hours, and you suddenly find yourself moved in with me for an indefinite period of time… possibly permanently…also possibly not permanently.”

Or even:

·         “Why don’t we take you from your distinctly Hispanic world and move you in with some very German Caucasian people”

None of these things are what I had in mind. Which brings me to my next question:

What was God thinking when I wrote that back in 2016?  Did He chuckle at how fitting my word choice was? Clearly, he knew that He was about to turn the page and open a chapter in both of our lives that would be harder and more beautiful than anything we had ever gone through before? Did He get that feeling of concern that parents get when they know something incredibly hard but incredibly good is about to rock their child’s entire world?

Did He smile because He knew that He was about to show me (over and over and over again) that He is incredibly good at His job? It felt surreal reading those words I wrote so long ago. I didn’t know then that I was about to have a front row seat to the roller coaster of a story that He was writing. I also wasn’t aware that His stories apparently include more plot twists than Shakespeare could ever dream of.

 His story is still being written and I continue to get a front row seat as it plays out. The only real problem with this is that I’m so human. Sometimes this story overwhelms me. I can feel exhausted and afraid. However, if there’s anything that God has shown me in the past year it’s been that He is very very good at His job. My goal is to remember that.

 My other goal is to pay more attention to the things I write in birthday cards.

Redemption

       I choose to believe that God is at work to redeem the hard, the ugly, the messy. Both that which is inflicted on us, and that which we bought on ourselves. If your like me, you've experienced some of both. 

In those awful junior high years, I was mocked for my inability to hold back tears when I was hurting physically or emotionally. It granted me the nickname of red-light. My attempts to furiously blink to hold back said tears led to taunting remarks about the blinking red-lights which were new technology at the time. Kids can be so cruel. 

I didn’t respond well to the things that hurt me over the years. I became reactionary, rebellious towards a God who let me feel the hurt of rejection, the pain of being the outcast. Where was He when I was hurting? I found that music was like an anesthetic to the anger and hurt I felt. The worst kinds of music of course.

        Years later, while at bible school in Thailand, God began to redeem the two things in my life that had hurt me: my inability to hold back tears, and music.

        In Thailand, I found worship. Pouring out our hearts to God via song, the tears would run down my cheeks unchecked. Not sad tears, not happy tears. They were a spontaneous result of my heart when connecting with the God who loved me. I guess you could call them God tears? That was a defining time in my life. I treasure the memories of worshiping with that group of people. It was unforgettable.  

        The last months have been intense. They've been hard, and beautiful. They've been overwhelmingly full of answered prayer, and they've held a lot of those God tears. Two of the defining themes of this season are probably music and tears. Today while I played Audrey Assad and wrote in my journal, the tears were in full force. And suddenly it dawned on me: 

        Tears and music. Two of the things that defined what was messy, ugly, sinful, and hard in my life. Redeemed.

        In the face of a world that is broken, ugly, hurtful, and devastating, my God redeems. There is still much in my life that needs redemption. I trust Him to do it. Well, sometimes I forget to trust Him but that’s a different story.  

        I look at my foster daughter and I can feel so afraid. The past has been so hard, so ugly, so excruciatingly painful to her. The future doesn’t look any easier. But for God, it would feel hopeless. But for God, this battle wouldn’t be worth fighting. But for God, the darkness outweighs the light.

But for God.

The same God who redeemed my hatred for my own tears, and my love for all the wrong music is at work in your life. To redeem it. He doesn’t just take away the bad, ugly, hurtful things, he uses them to create something beautiful. He's the God who Redeems.