From this point forward, I’m going to carefully scrutinize
the messages I write in cards.
Last night, while helping my foster daughter organize her
things, I picked up a birthday card that I recognized. It took me a second to
remember that I had given it to her on her tenth birthday. I was surprised that
she still had it and was caught up in remembering that day. I have a clear memory
of driving to her house to pick her up, and of getting our nails done that day.
The rest of the memories are a little foggy.
Fast forward to last night and the fact that we’ve been living
in the same house for almost a year, and that I gave her that card 18 months
ago. I opened it, curious about what I had written to her back then. Back
before she was “my girl”, back before my
entire world began to revolve around her.
I read the words I had hastily scrawled on that fall day in
2016. Then I blinked, and read them again.
I hope that your tenth
year is a good year, and I hope that I get to spend A LOT of time with
you!
I had even circled the words ‘A Lot’. I’m not sure what I
had in mind when I wrote that. I know what I didn’t have in mind.
I didn’t have:
·
“why don’t you move in with me halfway through
your tenth year of life, and I’ll be the foster mom you never asked for”
Or:
·
“I hope that in the next year, everything familiar
is gone in 24 hours, and you suddenly find yourself moved in with me for an
indefinite period of time… possibly permanently…also possibly not permanently.”
Or even:
·
“Why don’t we take you from your distinctly Hispanic
world and move you in with some very German Caucasian people”
None of these things are what I had in mind. Which brings me
to my next question:
What was God thinking when I wrote that back in 2016? Did He chuckle at how fitting my word choice was? Clearly, he knew that
He was about to turn the page and open a chapter in both of our lives that
would be harder and more beautiful than anything we had ever gone through
before? Did He get that feeling of concern that parents get when they know
something incredibly hard but incredibly good is about to rock their child’s
entire world?
Did He smile because He knew that He was about to show me (over
and over and over again) that He is incredibly good at His job? It felt surreal
reading those words I wrote so long ago. I didn’t know then that I was about to
have a front row seat to the roller coaster of a story that He was writing. I
also wasn’t aware that His stories apparently include more plot twists than
Shakespeare could ever dream of.
His story is still
being written and I continue to get a front row seat as it plays out. The only
real problem with this is that I’m so human. Sometimes this story overwhelms me.
I can feel exhausted and afraid. However, if there’s anything that God has
shown me in the past year it’s been that He is very very good at His job. My
goal is to remember that.
My other goal is to pay
more attention to the things I write in birthday cards.
